Christmas Secrets
by Lispet
Summary: When Alfred gets bored, he does stupid things. So it's the Christmas holidays at Hetalia High, and Alfred is bored. What does he do? Drag his roommate out after curfew for misadventure. It's just... neither boy gets what they bargained for... THIS IS PURE CRACK. NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY! Enjoy.


Look! I'm still alive! I actually wrote this ages ago, and I've been meaning to post it for that long too.  
Now, all of this is pure crack, unbeta'd, etc. It's NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY! I was bugged by an idea and wrote it.  
Also, I'm on tumb1r and deviantart! Lispet on dA, lispetsketches on tumb1r. Come and visit and be spammed by Hiddles and Avengers crack.

* * *

"C'moon Mattie!" Alfred plucked at his roommate's red knit jumper. Why did the Canadian have to be so stubborn when it came to school work? Exams were over!

"Why?" Matthew mimicked Alfred's whiny tone, crossing his arms and blowing the haywire curl of hair from his eyes. "It's Christmas time!" Oh, he hated Christmas, especially the stupid mistletoe tradition that the school viciously insisted on upholding. People forgot him most of the time, he could probably stand under the mistletoe for an entire week, until the damn plant died even, and he wouldn't get one kiss. Not that he cared much.

"Exactly! It's Christmas! The teachers tend to…" Alfred chuckled to himself, "They well, cut loose a little, and have a few drinks. You've gotta see!" The blonde American grabbed Matthew's arm tightly and heaved, pulling the smaller teen to his feet.

Matthew refolded his arms and glared from under his fringe and wire-framed glasses at Alfred. Alfred stared back, crossing his arms in imitation of his roommate's. After about a minute, Matthew caved, his shoulders sagging. He'd never win a battle of wills with Alfred. "Fine. But if we get caught, you blackmailed me, alright?" Matthew picked up his polar-teddy-bear, clutching it tightly to his chest.

"Why would the teachers notice you when the awesome hero's around?" Alfred laughed, pulling the blonde Canadian with him.

"So what now?" Matthew and Alfred were walking down one of the outer corridors of the school, along the windows.

"The language department." Alfred sang, pointing to the next corridor. "It's fun to listen." Alfred slung his arm over the smaller teen's shoulders.

Matthew was mortified. Listen to _what_? He wanted to tell Alfred that he didn't want to go, and that he was leaving right now to head back to their dorm. But he couldn't. Alfred would dismiss his complaints before he finished them. "What are we supposed to-"

"Shh!" Alfred clamped his hand over Matthew's mouth suddenly, and sat next to a door, pressing his ear next to it, mirth dancing in his sapphire eyes. "It's Mr Beilschmidt," he whispered, gesturing to the door with his spare thumb. "And… Oh my God." Alfred bit his lip to stop himself laughing. He kept his voice in a whisper, hoping not to be heard. "I wonder if Mr Vargas knows that his little brother spreads his legs for 'the potato bastard'?"

Matthew didn't want to think about it, but he was given no choice as Alfred pulled him closer, so the younger of the two teens could hear the sounds issuing softly from the room as well.

_At least it's not French, at least it's not French, at least it's not French. _Matthew chanted to himself as the younger of the Vargas teachers mewled in Italian. Matthew could only think of one thing to say; "At least it's historically accurate?" He gave a nervous chuckle as Alfred stood, trying desperately not to think about the rather… hot sounds that the school's Italian teacher was making.

* * *

The next occupied room they passed was ajar, and the noises were somewhat angrier, and as loud again.

"Lol!" Alfred peered into the room before whipping his head away from the door, lest he be seen.

"Never say that again." Matthew snapped, peering over the edge of the door, immediately pulling away, his face coloured heavily. He had thought that it had been Mr Carriedo and the Elder Mr Vargas arguing like they so often did. They weren't arguing in the usual sense.

Holy crap he thought he was going to die from embarrassment.

From his brief glimpse, of which another he was _not_ going to take, he had seen Mr Vargas leaning over the table, his head pressed tightly to the wooden desk. The Spanish teacher, whom Matthew had always thought was fairly laid back, was leaning over Mr Vargas, stroking his hair, their bodies fitted together with what could only come with a lot of practice.

Matthew turned to Alfred and begged him to leave, because he didn't want to listen to, or think about this anymore, for he was sure that he was going to have nightmares for weeks because he could still hear Mr Vargas' complaints.

"A… Antonio!" Matthew turned and walked away in shame, even if Alfred wasn't going to follow him. Mr Vargas' voice suddenly changed, and it was about then that Alfred too, was shamed into leaving with Matthew.

"Sometimes I really hate you." Matthew groaned quietly as his roomie dragged him down another hall, towards the English blocks. Alfred came to an abrupt halt just before he got into the main hall to check to see if the coast was clear. He didn't however, care to warn Matthew about the sudden halt and the younger boy crashed into his taller friend, sending the pair of them crashing into the hallway, in full view of two teachers.

"Hiya there!" Alfred pushed Matthew off him and leapt to his feet. They probably wouldn't notice Matthew, allowing him to sneak away undetected. They weren't really meant to be out of their dorms. What happened next shocked Alfred.

"Hey," the elder of the two teachers knelt next to Matthew, her movements slightly on the clumsy side. "Don't I know you?" She took his hand and helped him sit up, but ended up falling on top of him when she misjudged his weight.

Alfred howled with laughter, and Matthew tried awkwardly, and failed, to find somewhere other than her chest to push her up with. Instead, he left his hands where they were, one trapped between the teacher and himself, and the other by his head, and waited for his cooking teacher to get off him.

"Yeah," Matthew said awkwardly, "I'm in your class, Mrs Cherenkov."

"Really? Oh yeah, you're the one who sits down the back with that annoying kid…" Mrs Cherenkov pushed herself off Matthew, sitting back on the carpet.

"Gilbert." Matthew said quietly, slightly saddened that that was how his favourite teacher remembered him.

Mrs Cherenkov thought for a long moment. "You're Met'yu, da?"

Matthew nodded quickly. She had remembered his name! Well, in her native language, but that didn't matter. He blushed. "Yeah, that's me."

Mrs Cherenkov laughed loudly. "You're so cute, Met'yu!" She wrapped her arms around the young Canadian, and he felt himself die a little inside. He didn't really want to babysit anyone who was drunk again, ever since he had met Gilbert.

"Th-thank you, Mrs Cherenkov?" He stuttered, feeling rather confused.

"Call me Maria." She giggled again.

"So… Miss Braginski…" Alfred shuffled his feet awkwardly, trying to avoid looking at the younger sister of his History teacher. "How's things?"

The young Russian woman narrowed her eyes at Alfred, seriously thinking that the world was against her. First her darling brother was ignoring her, preferring to spend his time with one of the maths teachers, and now her sister was drunk, flirting with a student no less, _and_ she was stuck talking with the school's idiot. "Things are alright." She lied, giving him a rather dark smile.

"Great!" Alfred grinned. "Alright's great!" And the conversation petered out.

What the hell were you supposed to talk to the sister of your least favourite teacher about? Fortunately Matthew was pathetically squeaking for help, so Alfred excused himself to once again, be the hero.

"Now, Mrs Cherenkov…" Alfred pried the eldest of the Russian teachers off his roommate.

"Maria." She corrected stubbornly, seeming rather upset that her prey was being taken from her.

"Maria then," Alfred felt weird calling a teacher by first name, he always did, except with Arthur, his English teacher, and a few others. But they were different cases. Arthur and he were stepbrothers; which was rather awkward now he thought about it, and the others were younger teachers, more relaxed with the students. "We have important matters to attend to. You can come if you want, but we have to leave."

Maria brightened, the smile returning to her face. "I'll come!"

"No you won't." Miss Braginski snapped, leaning down and pulling her sister to her feet. "You're coming with me to the hospital wing. You're drunk."

Alfred sniggered and tugged on Matthew's arm in an indication to follow. Even from the end of the hall, they could hear Maria's wails of how she was sober and she desperately wanted to go with the 'cute blonde boy'.

* * *

From there, they passed very few people, students and teachers alike, for it was the holidays, and most students had gone home, or were in their dorms, snuggling up by the fire, which Matthew really wished he was doing currently. It was too cold to be roaming the halls in nothing but old jeans and a thin sweater. He didn't even have shoes on, that's how quickly Alfred had pulled him out of bed. He shivered, suddenly feeling the cold through the soles of his feet.

He didn't know if Alfred had noticed his shivering or not, for the American seemed to miss a lot of those kinds of subtle hints; however the elder teen slung his arm casually over Matthew, drawing him close. Neither boy said a word about it.

"How about we go to the music block?" Alfred finally spoke up, his arm slipping from Matthew's shoulders to his waist. Matthew nodded and tried to worm his arm from its awkward position, trapped between his body and his friend's body. He failed.

"Why the music block?"

Alfred grinned, and Matthew decided that he didn't like that grin very much at all. "Well, my dear Mattie, Not only do four of the oddest teachers all live in the music block, but Elizaveta's there. And she can sniff out secret goings-on from the other side of the globe, let alone a puny door. And she's a student teacher, and she doesn't really mind so much because she's more likely to actually join than tell us off and…"

"I get it!" Matthew pinched Alfred's side and Alfred laughed. "We're going to the music block!"

"But first," Alfred stopped, this time giving Matthew some warning by motioning to a door. Matthew rolled his eyes, more prepared for what to expect than before. Seriously, whose friend suddenly jumped something like this on them? It didn't help that Alfred was rubbing quite nicely against him as they knelt to peek through the door, and Alfred's arms were around his waist and oh his brain was going to melt because really, who thought that Mr Lukasiewicz would be the one leaning over the brunette Lithuanian man who taught Health and Human Education?

Alfred put his chin over Matthew's shoulder, and murmured into his ear. "I always thought that Toris would top…"

"Toris?" Matthew queried. They didn't really need to bother about being heard or seen. Toris was blindfolded, and they were both so lost in each other that they wouldn't notice two rogue students. Matthew felt his face heat up yet again as he watched the blond Polish man lean down, his tongue darting out to taste the younger man's flesh.

Matthew suddenly found himself very hot and bothered.

"Yeah, Toris." Alfred stood, pulling Matthew with him. "C'mon, I want to find Lizzie. She's so funny about all of this."

Matthew just nodded and pulled his jumper and polar-teddy-bear low over his hips.

It wasn't too difficult to convince Elizaveta leave Mr Edelstein and go with them. She just excused herself for a moment, leaving the boys in a very awkward silence with a half-naked Mr Edelstein, who really couldn't tell them off because he had been caught feeling up a student teacher.

She returned before the silence got too awkward, a camera slung around her neck. "I'm ready." She marched out the door.

"Well then, where first?" Alfred asked curiously. He wanted to know where Elizaveta's so called 'yaoi' senses would lead her first. She paused, sniffed the air and then looked around shiftily.

"This way." She gestured in the general direction of the drama room, and the boys followed her.

She took them around the back of the drama studio, through the teacher-only hall, which was really no different to the other halls. The doors leading to it was just locked and bore signs that said "TEACHER ACCESS ONLY". She then turned a few more corners and stopped outside a large black door. She held a finger to her lips, and Matthew and Alfred sealed their mouths shut.

She opened the door and ushered the boys inside, before following and snapping the door shut behind them. "This is good." Elizaveta chuckled, heading into the dark room, peering at the glass opposite the door. Behind the glass was the drama studio. Matthew wasn't sure if he wanted to look through the glass.

However, it was unavoidable for him to be curious, so he allowed Alfred to pull him closer, his eyes firmly shut. When he was sure that he was behind Alfred, he cracked his eyes open and peered over his roomie's shoulder.

"As expected!" Elizaveta crowed, excited. She was turning her camera on.

Matthew wasn't sure where in the drama studio to look first. Below them was a mass of blonde hair, and Nordic men.

"Excuse me so I can throw up." Matthew tried escaping, but Alfred grabbed the Canadian and pulled him back. Matthew's heel caught on a cable, and he tripped, falling on top of Alfred awkwardly. He got up as quickly as he could, hoping that Alfred hadn't felt just how hard he had gotten. Heck, he was ashamed about the circumstances under which he had gotten hard. Perving on your _teachers_ was not any reason to get hard. He knew now, that he would never look at Mr Edelstein the same way again, not to mention Mr Oxenstierna who was currently down there, right beneath his eyes.

The Swedish man was sitting on one of the theatre chairs, nose to nose with a smaller blonde, who was flushed in the face and clearly in some throes of ecstasy.

Matthew blushed. He _knew_ the smaller blonde. It was Tino Vainamoinen, (he was certain that there was supposed to be more than one umlaut in that name, but seriously, who can spell Finnish names these days?) Tino just happened to be his lab partner for Biology. Oh shit his life was over. How would he ever be able to look Tino in the eye again?

He turned his attention away from his lab partner to the other blonde pair. This one, if possible, was even odder than seeing Mr Oxenstierna and Tino (which probably was illegal, but Tino seemed to have some measure of control, so it wasn't so bad, was it?). The shorter of the two, Matthew was pretty sure that it was Mr Bondevik, an unusual man from Norway who moved here with his half-brother some months ago, was wearing something shiny and leathery, and was straddling Mr Densen (a teacher from Denmark), with something long and black held to his throat.

Something was said by the Norwegian, and Mr Densen replied, smirking. Judging by the _smack!_ that reached them, even in the sound booth, it was clear that Mr Bondevik was wielding a riding crop. Considering that Mr Densen was somewhat restrained by an assortment of ropes and handcuffs, Matthew suddenly had reason to think that the smaller man had a thing for bondage. He wasn't going to take drama too seriously any more. Especially if another rope was bought out. He would probably run from the room. Screaming.

"Hey uhh…" Matthew backed away from the one-way glass and tripped. Again. Landing on Alfred. _Again_. "Can we please leave?" He scrambled to his feet and helped Alfred up.

At least Alfred was blushing too. "Sure."

They left Elizaveta alone in the sound booth. She was too occupied to notice them leave, and Alfred wanted to know what his half-brother was up to.

"Can we go to the English block?" Alfred pleaded, his sapphire eyes wide and shiny. Matthew couldn't say no.

"But seriously, what's there?" Matthew asked curiously.

"Probably my brother. There's like, no other English teachers."

Matthew shrugged. "Okay." He just hoped that he wouldn't run into the French teacher, with whom he got on rather well, and Alfred's brother also happened to have an… unusual relationship with Mr Bonnefoy.

Luckily, they didn't run into any teachers in the English block. Matthew had to think that Alfred was actually relieved not to find his brother. Matthew could certainly say that if he had a brother, no matter how they were related, (as in, by marriage, like Arthur and Alfred were), he definitely wouldn't like to catch them in the middle of a drunken or sexual act.

They did, however, come across a pair of students.

"Whoops." Alfred tried to back out of the room when he saw Emils and Leon in his English room.

"No, it's okay." Emils sat up properly, no emotion discernible in his lifeless eyes. His face was painted quite a nice shade of red though. He was lacking a shirt, and sporting several purpling marks across his pale skin.

"Still, whoops. Uhh sorry." Alfred pushed the door open a little more so Matthew could see inside.

"Were you two looking for a room?" Leon asked, just as quietly as Emils. "We're happy to share."

"No we're not." Emils turned to look at his boyfriend. He sunk his fingers into Leon's black hair.

"Good, because you don't want us to tell you what your brother's up to." Alfred laughed.

The couple on the floor replied at the same time.

"Magnus."

"Ivan."

"Wait what?" Alfred gaped. "I already knew about Lukas, but Mr Wang's with Mr Braginski?" He backed out of the room. "Carry on boys, I have _got_ to see this."

"Don't die!" Leon shouted after Alfred had closed the door. "No! Emils don't ahh~" Leon's voice trailed off, and Matthew blushed. He was letting his mind do too much thinking.

"Where do you think Mr Braginski would be?" Alfred asked his roomie. Matthew shrugged. He was starting to find it difficult to concentrate, and the sheer lack of care that he had been met with from Emils and Leon was slightly unnerving, and, might he add, would be liberating, except he didn't have someone to be liberating with. He _could_ try Alfred, he was starting to feel desperate enough. (Scratch that. He always had liked Alfred, Alfred just never noticed him unless it was convenient.)

Maybe he could just let his French side out. See if Alfred took the hint. He didn't particularly want to have to jerk off into a sock later that night.

"Maybe the maths rooms?" Matthew stepped closer to Alfred, slipping an arm through the crook of the taller boy's elbow. He leant his head on Alfred's arm. "Mr Wang's office is there."

Alfred was a little more than excited to actually find Mr Braginski than Matthew was. He was, indeed, in the maths office, with the maths teacher.

"Can't understand a bloody word." Alfred grumbled, peeking into the window. "What the hell is he doing? Trying to kill him? Mattie, come have a look." Alfred hauled Matthew up onto the table so that the Canadian could look into the room too. Matthew, who was trying to deal with a large amount of saliva from earlier, nearly choked on it when he saw the two teachers.

Matthew officially decided that he was dropping History as quickly as he could. He had heard of erotic asphyxiation, but to actually _see_ it happen was rather frightening. As Alfred had said, they couldn't understand anything that either of the teachers said. Mr Braginski was fairly silent, and Mr Wang was crying out in Chinese. Matthew was only slightly disappointed.

Matthew buried his face in his polar-teddy-bear's fluffy neck. Alfred seemed to finally notice his friend's discomfort, perhaps it was because he was (finally) feeling so uncomfortable himself. "How about we leave, I've got enough blackmail material on Mr Braginski." Alfred guided Matthew away by the arm. Alfred sighed in defeat. "Might as well go back to bed. We've been everywhere already."

They went back the way they came, skipping the drama corridor, and heading straight back to the language department. "Wait a sec…"

Alfred pulled Matthew towards a room which clearly had people sitting in it on the floor, piles of something around them. The two teens peeked over the wall and through the window. The two geography teachers and the small man who also taught maths, Mr Honda, were sitting around, playing some sort of card game.

Mr Honda scowled and threw his cards down suddenly and stood up, stripping his shirt off. Alfred chuckled. Strip poker. They crept closer to the door, as the voices were discernible.

"I do not understand why you two are insisting on this ridiculous game." He paused and noticed something else was amiss. The Greek geography teacher, Mr Karpusi, unbuttoned his shirt and slid it off his shoulders. "Why are you not arguing?"

The geography teachers looked at each other, and then back at the smaller Japanese man. "We decided that we have a common goal for now." Mr Adnan, currently shirtless, but still wearing that stupid mask of his, shrugged.

The other teacher yawned. "Indeed." He scratched something by his hip—a cat. The two geography teachers looked at Mr Honda.

"What is it?" He edged away from them.

Grinning, the two geography teachers pounced on Mr Honda.

Alfred pulled away from the door, chuckling. "Well, I can't say that I didn't expect that."

Matthew, on the other hand, was open-mouthed, finding this all rather unexpected. He also hadn't realised quite how muscled his Greek Geography teacher really was. He swallowed awkwardly, and hugged his polar-teddy-bear tighter, shifting it slightly to cover his arousal. He told himself again that he really _shouldn't _find his teachers doing this kind of thing arousing. But holy crap—

"Come on." Alfred grabbed Matthew and dragged him away before they got caught. The two of them hurried down the hall once they were sure that they wouldn't be heard.

Alfred paused, noticing a door that was ajar. Light was weeping out from it. "What do we have here?"

"Isn't that a storage room?" Matthew hung back a little.

"Exactly!" Alfred crept forwards and peeked in, "Oh dear god!" he shouted, leaping backwards. Into Matthew.

"What is it?" Matthew squeaked and shoved Alfred off him. Oh god, that was close. If Alfred was any one more perceptive, then he would've just gotten in a whole lot of trouble.

"It's…" Alfred shuddered and pretended to vomit.

A familiar voice issued from the room. "I'll go, amour."

Matthew shuddered in dread when he heard that voice.

A tall man with long blonde hair stepped out of the room, and it was fairly obvious that he had been previously occupied in something that Matthew probably didn't want to know.

"Mr… Mr Bonnefoy!" Matthew squeaked.

"Oh, Mathieu!" The French teacher exclaimed. "Je ne m'attendais pas a vous voir ici!" (I wasn't expecting to see you here)

"Moi non plus…" (I didn't either) Matthew mumbled, tucking his legs to his chest awkwardly. He really hoped that Mr Bonnefoy wouldn't go all creepy on him like he sometimes did. It was a joke amongst the students that Mr Bonnefoy would touch anything with a pulse.

Mr Bonnefoy leant his head back in the door. "Don't worry, cheri, it's just some kids."

Another man walked out of the room, an unfading scowl on his face. He was violently buckling his belt. "What students?" Matthew paled even more. "Why are you entertaining them. Tell them to get back to— Alfred?"

"Gahh shit! We're leaving Mattie." Alfred leapt to his feet and grabbed Matthew by the arm and hurriedly dragged him away.

"Oi! Twit!" Arthur shouted after his half-brother. "Come back here so I can put you in detention!"

"Not a chance in hell old man!" Alfred hollered. "I'm too heroic to get detention from you!" He whipped around the corner, Matthew in tow.

They ran all the way to the foot of the stairs to their dorm, and then stopped, breathing hard. Alfred started laughing. "That was so awesome!"

"Yeah," Matthew said weakly, leaning against the doorway. "The best ever." Except he was still hard and still wanted to jump a certain blue-eyed, blonde American.

Alfred stopped laughing and started fidgeting. "Hey uhh, can you wait here for a sec? I'll be right back. Promise." Alfred didn't give Matthew a chance to answer before vanishing down the hallway. He returned less than a minute later, hand in his pocket. "Close your eyes."

Matthew hugged his bear tighter, but complied.

He could hear Alfred drag something across the floor and then back, and judging by the irritated grunts, whatever he was doing was fiddly. "Alright." Alfred sighed. "No! Don't open your eyes!" He grabbed Matthew's arm and pulled him forwards. "Now stop." Matthew did so. He was so curious about what was happening. Why did Alfred need him in this specific spot?

Alfred took both of Matthew's hands, forcing him to let go of his bear. Its plastic nose clicked on the tiled floor when it dropped. "You can open your eyes now."

Matthew did.

Alfred was looking up, so Matthew did too. And blushed. And then looked back at his roommate.

Alfred gave him an awkward smile. "I wasn't sure how you'd take it." Matthew bit his lips for a second, looking at the ground and allowing himself to feel a moment of girlish excitement before stepping forwards, leaning up and pressing his lips to Alfred's.

They both just let what felt right go, and Matthew ended up pressed against the doorframe, Alfred's hands in his hair, pushing his glasses up, his own hands, on in Alfred's back pocket, the other gripping his polar-teddy-bear tightly on top of Alfred's hip. They finally had a need for air, and broke apart.

"We should…" Matthew gestured to the stairs with his head.

"Right, bed." Alfred scooped Matthew up bridal style and carried him upstairs.

If one had have looked at the doorway, they would be able to see a little sprig of green foliage and white berries that hadn't been there five minutes earlier.

* * *

Okay, I just realised that Gil isn't in this, but whatever. He was probably avoiding Al, and teasing Austria after they left the music block.

Oh, also I'm watching the rerun of teh opening ceremony because my alarm didn't wake me a 5:20 to watch it this morning =I  
Reviews are always nice .


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